Joy in Sadness: Connor Muolo
I am an emergency medicine (EM) resident, and one of many great things about EM is that we are trained in event medicine — when you go to a big game or run in a marathon, the doctors in the medic tents are usually EM-trained. However, we are also the doctors who take care of things like natural and national disasters, as well as mass shootings. When I signed up to be a part of the medical staff for the Chiefs Super Bowl parade, I knew that I would be practicing event medicine, but I had no idea that I would end up practicing “mass casualty” medicine.
“Everything changed when I overheard an EMT at the front of the tent tell a nurse that gunfire had been heard on the opposite side of the stage”
The day started off slow with ankle sprains, intoxicated patients, people who had passed out due to dehydration, and even a security guy with an earbud that had become lodged in his ear. However, everything changed when I overheard an EMT at the front of the tent tell a nurse that gunfire had been heard on the opposite side of the stage. A few minutes later, I was taking care of an older lady who had passed out when I heard a volley of gunfire near our tent. We were given the option to flee with the crowd, but I believe that most if not all of us stayed to help. At the bidding of my boss, I yanked out my patient’s IV, slung her arm over my shoulder, and helped her outside. She was stable enough and able to walk well enough to leave, and we needed space for the new victims. I grabbed a younger couple who was fleeing with the crowd and told them to take her to safety, and the man immediately grabbed the woman’s arm and helped her hobble away with the crowd.
I returned to the tent, which soon was filled to the brim and overflowing with victims: men, women, the elderly, and children. I took care of an elderly woman who had been shot, and I continually had to tell her that we could not call her daughter and husband to see if they were okay (we had no cellphone signal, and we didn't have the personnel to be making phone calls). Until other doctors from the second tent came, I and one other doctor were in charge of the “red zone,” meaning the zone with the worst injuries. We had to turn away people who had been injured while fleeing or even those who only had superficial cuts from being grazed by bullets. We had to lay blankets on the ground to make room for more patients. We were overwhelmed.
“How do I move forward in power, love, and a sound mind while leaving a spirit of fear behind?”
While in the midst of it I focused on working. Occasionally I would feel emotional and would have to swallow back a lump in my throat. People were crying, but I knew that I would cry when I got home. I was mostly worried that my husband would not know if I was okay due to the lack of cell phone service, and that he would be afraid for me. But what bothered me the most, and what my mind wanted to dwell on for days after, were the people that we had to turn away from our tent because we only had room for the most injured. Were they okay? Did they make it out okay? Did they find their way to a hospital for more treatment?
The first two days, images and reels of what I had seen played continually behind my eyes. After that, the constant replay stopped, but images would pop up unbidden, and I had bad dreams about what I had experienced. When I went to Bible study the next day, the sounds of far away students cheering along their friends as they played ping pong set me on edge.
What does one do in a situation like this? How does one heal and move forward? How do I move forward in power, love, and a sound mind while leaving a spirit of fear behind?
“To leave fear behind and surrender as God mends your broken heart means to allow yourself to be full of the Spirit”
The Bible has a lot to say about this, and it starts with one thing: the cross. If I am to understand how to apply God’s Word to my life, if I am to have peace and joy, if I am to understand the love of Christ, then I actually need the Spirit of God. To leave fear behind and surrender as God mends your broken heart means to allow yourself to be full of the Spirit.
All people who have ever lived and will ever live have sinned. To sin is to do something against God. God cannot lie, but we lie. God is light, but we have such deep darkness. The 10 commandments in the Bible reveal our sin to us (thou shalt not murder, covet, lie, etc), and they point us to the fact that we need a savior. The consequences of our sin is death — both physical and spiritual. The shooters’ sin resulted in death and in pain. This world is shaped by our sin, and it is only by God’s mercy that we don’t die everyday when we leave our front doors. The natural outcome of sin is physical death, but it is also spiritual death. We are born in sin, and we are eternally separated from God, destined for Hell absent an intervention.
That intervention was Christ. He who knew no sin became sin for us. The payment of sin is death, and he took that death upon him on the cross so that if we just in faith receive that substitutionary sacrifice, God sees that sin debt as fully paid. No longer are we separated from him, and now he can be glorified in our lives. He indwells us with his Spirit, whose fruit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance.
“Because of the cross, my trauma was covered before it even began”
My life began when I accepted this salvation from God. It was my beginning. My trauma began with a volley of gunshots threatening my physical life. But God helped me in that moment not to fear death. My Bible reading that morning was II Corinthians 5, which states that “absent from the body is present with the Lord.” The Christian knows that this world holds pain, sin, and suffering. To be absent from this world means to be perfect, whole, complete, and with the one we love most above all. Because of the cross, my trauma was covered before it even began.
Proverbs 28:1 The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion.
Philippians 1:21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
What then about the flashbacks and the constant rumination on what I had seen and experienced? It was my flesh trying to keep me in pain with my eyes turned away from God. The Bible has tools to combat this as well. Brandon and Jon Kindler have spoken about this on the Postscript in their episode about grief. There needs to be the practice of turning “contemplations into conversations.”
When I find a flashback before my eyes, I begin to reason with my soul (Psalm 42:5) by choosing to remind it of what is right and good, and I also bring it to the Lord in prayer. I ask him for his help, and I use it as an opportunity to praise or to give thanks to him. The pain is still there. As long as I am on this earth stuck in sinful flesh, the pain will be there. But the pain is submitted to Christ and around it blossoms unfathomable joy and peace.
“I turned my thoughts to what is good and true”
My first step when my mind wants to focus on what has happened is to acknowledge that the thought is there. Depending on the circumstance, I might spend time pondering why I am thinking about it. Do I feel guilty about it? Do I focus on it because I am afraid? After all, you need the right antibiotic to treat your exact infection. However, I always do what II Corinthians 10:5-6 talks about. I cast it down.
II Corinthians 10:5-6 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
Casting it down means to acknowledge in prayer to God how it does not glorify Him, to counsel your soul that the thought is not acceptable, and that you need instead to focus on what is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:6-8).
An example of this is a recurring contemplation I have had where my mind returns to the older patient that I had to remove from the tent before the victims started pouring in. The first time I thought of this, I stopped to think about why this kept popping into my mind. I realized that my mind wanted to hold on to it because I felt guilty for kicking her out and was afraid that she was scared or had a lot of difficulty in evacuating. When was she reunited with her husband? Was she okay?
Then I turned to prayer and asked for God to watch out for her and for her to have gotten out safely. Next, I turned my thoughts to what is good and true. I reminded myself that God’s tender mercies are over all his creation (Psalm 145:9), that he hears my prayers (Psalm 18:6; James 5:16), and that he is in control over everything (Colossians 1:16-17).
“If you find yourself in the midst of some kind of trauma, or even if your mind wants to return again and again to sinful thoughts that you want to leave behind, then face the cross”
When I remember images of children who had been shot, I remind myself that God is love, that in him is no darkness, that he will execute judgment and righteousness against those who hurt children, and that he is a God who calls all children to himself. He loves children.
As I filled myself with God’s word and redirected my thoughts toward truth, I found that Ephesians 5:18-20 was true in my life. I found myself frequently singing to God in praise and worship. I found that even though I was sad, I had the paradox in my soul of being at the same time full of joy. My troubles were soothed by peace.
Ephesians 5:18-20 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;
The book of Job clearly tells us that we might not always know why God allows something to happen, and we do not need to know why — though it is a treat when years later we are able to look back and see exactly what he was doing. If you find yourself in the midst of some kind of trauma, or even if your mind wants to return again and again to sinful thoughts that you want to leave behind, then face the cross. Remember that you are more than conquerors through Christ who loved you, that you don’t have to be defined by what has happened to you, and that you do not have to live in a spirit of fear. You can instead live hand in hand with the Spirit of God, casting down vain imaginations and walking in peace.
Connor Muolo is a member of Midtown Baptist Temple and is a part of C&YA. She is a part of a women’s Bible study at UMKC Hospital Hill.
